After more than twenty years of living with English, it has become part of who I am, yet somehow, there are still moments when it feels both close and far.
It is close because English has become part of everyday life.
I work in it, write in it, joke in it, and use it to connect with people I care about.
And yet, every once in a while, a very small word reminds me that there is still some distance.
Recently, it was fall, fell, fallen.
I had to stop and think about which one was right, and for a moment I wondered how something I have used for so many years could still make me pause.
It made me smile.
And then I thought about practice.
Our own mind may be the closest thing we will ever know. We have lived with it every day of our lives.
We know our worries, our habits, our hopes, our old stories, and the many ways we respond when life changes around us.
And still, the mind can sometimes feel very far away.
A thought appears and surprises us.
An old feeling returns when we thought it was long gone.
We react in a way we did not expect.
Or we sit quietly for a few minutes and suddenly notice something that may have been there all along.
Maybe practice is a little like living with a language for many years.
We become familiar with it, but there is always more to discover.
We learn certain patterns.
We recognize what comes easily and where we tend to struggle.
Some things slowly become natural, while others still make us pause.
And perhaps that pause is not a problem.
It can be a small opening. A moment to become curious.
Instead of asking, “Why am I still like this?” we can simply notice:
Oh, this is here again.
What is happening right now?
What can I learn from this?
Meditation has taught me that being close to ourselves does not mean we will always understand everything.
Sometimes closeness simply means we are willing to keep coming back.
Back to the breath. Back to awareness. Back to this life as it is right now.
Back to ourselves. Again and again.
Close, and sometimes still a little far.
Maybe there is something quietly beautiful about that.
有些東西，陪了我們很多年，熟悉得像每天都會經過的路，
卻還是會在某個小地方，讓我們停一下。
語言是這樣，心也是。
我們和自己的心這麼近，每天一起生活，卻還是常常不完全明白它。
有時一個念頭，一個情緒，一個熟悉的反應，又讓我們重新看見自己。
也許練習不是為了把自己完全弄懂，而是一次又一次回來。
回到呼吸，
回到覺知，
回到此刻。
很近，有時也還是有一點遠。
但沒有關係。願意再回來，就很好。